Honestly speaking here, forgiveness has to be one of the biggest struggles I have outside of being a very insecure person. Ironically, I think there's a direct relationship there in that giving that necessary forgiveness has often made me feel more vulnerable and open to the hurt again. So, this week I've been doing some much needed reading on forgiveness, what is required of us as Christians to forgive and how we go on once we've forgiven. I found this article by Lynette Hoy and hope it will help you as well.
You may decide that a relationship may change because that person cannot treat you respectfully or keep confidences or may continue to abuse you. A change in relationship is not the same as forgiveness. You can let go of the blame and may decide to let go of any punishment and continuing to hold the wrong against a person - but, you may need to set boundaries and be cautious since:
... they can no longer be trusted with confidences or
... they are not empathic and tend to be harsh when you divulge a weakness about yourself or
... they are not responsible in keeping their commitments or
... he continues to abuse and disrespect you.
Therefore, you forgive them, but, will no longer:
... share your mistakes,
... share your problems,
... rely on or ask them to do a project with you, etc.,
... stay in relationship with him/her because he/she is disrespectful or abusive.
You may decide to report an abuser to the police in order to protect yourself or your children but, you can still forgive them. Demonstrating tough love in abusive situations makes the person accountable to higher authorities for their behavior and you can still forgive. Pastor Rob Rienow said, "forgiveness does not mean freedom from consequences."
Forgiveness does not mandate:
... that you trust all people on the same level or
... that you expect all people to live up to certain standards or
... that there will be no consequences for wrongful behavior.
Jesus had discernment about people. He said "don't throw your pearls before swine"; and "treat them as a tax collector and a sinner" if your brother doesn't reconcile with you and be "wise as serpents and gentle as doves" in all our relationships. He also challenged us to: "Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you" and "turn the other cheek". So, pray for the one who has injured you. Love them with God's unconditional love and grace. Show discernment and gentleness when you interact with everyone. Believe that God is in the business of changing people. You may even take a risk or need to trust that person again!
Forgiveness doesn't mean you allow someone to continue abusing you. Forgiveness doesn't equal trust and doesn't mean there won't be consequences for the person or relationship and boundaries that need to change. Forgiveness will make you wiser and challenge you to be vulnerable! From © copyright 2003 by Lynette J. Hoy, NCC, LCPC
The part that really jumped out at me and grabbed was where she quoted Pastor Rob Rienow and said "forgiveness does not mean freedom from consequences". In recent weeks my husband and I have been faced with a difficult decision and we had to decide and agree together that indeed there are consequences for people's actions. We've said that phrase a millions times, "there are consequences for your actions". So, reading this article totally helped confirm that for me. So while we forgive and move on, it doesn't mean there are no consequences.
I believe God can change people just as he transformed all of us as sinners saved by Grace. God is a God of miracles, the great Physician, he can heal the sick and even the broken in spirit. I'm so thankful God is never through doing his work in me or any of us as his Children.
On that same note, I'm so thankful for a Godly husband who has helped see me thru some tough times and for him being able to live his life scripturally as head of our household. Holding him in up prayer today as his tournament begins and that he would find favor today as he fishes.
Unless something changes, I have one more segment to add to these posts on Real Life Lessons in Forgiveness. Hopefully, I'll have that up by the end of the week. I'll leave you with this verse and as always, I'm praying for you!
Isaiah 43
2 When you pass through the waters,
I will be with you;
and when you pass through the rivers,
they will not sweep over you.
When you walk through the fire,
you will not be burned;
the flames will not set you ablaze.
3 For I am the LORD, your God,......
4 Since you are precious and honored in my sight,
and because I love you,
I will give men in exchange for you,
and people in exchange for your life.
5 Do not be afraid, for I am with you;......
